“When you ask God for healing, do you actually believe that He can heal you?”
This question took me back for a second. What a powerful question my friend posed.
She was sharing with me a lesson that she taught her middle school students, but the question she posed really made me consider my own self: does my heart really believe that God can heal me?
If I am being completely honest, at times, the answer has been “no.” It is painful to admit, but there were moments on this infertility journey that I’ve been so afraid of “getting my hopes up,” that I did not really believe that I could be healed. My belief is often oppressed by fear and skepticism. Doubt fills my head with the lie that to trust is naive. I choose to harden my heart for fear that it will be broken otherwise. Do I not trust that God will take care of my well being and grant the desires of my heart that He himself planted there? The voice of fear taunts me each month with the possibility of disappointment. I ask God to help me accept whatever His will is for me, but do I truly believe that God can heal me? Doesn’t Jesus ask this of us?
Recently, I have been praying with the Scripture passage of the hemorrhaging woman from the Gospel of Mark. This woman had been afflicted with a hemorrhage for 12 years and spent all of her money suffering at the hands of doctors. She is someone I can relate to, anguishing quietly in a way that goes unseen and working with doctors that can make no promises to cure her.
I can’t help but wonder, after 12 years of agony, what made her turn to Jesus and truly believe that she will be healed? Did she still have doubts as she reached out to touch Him? What was it like to feel Jesus’ power go through her? Wouldn’t twelve years of living in such pain and misery turn someone into a bitter person? How can I have faith like that? Can Jesus really heal me too?
It took me much longer than I would like to admit before I began to ask God for healing of my infertility. If I am being honest, I know that the desire for control over my fertility wins my primary attention at times. I go to doctor appointments, fill out my chart, take the pills, and go through all of the motions that might allow me to become pregnant. Once we went down this road of aggressive treatments, I was so consumed with doubt that it would not happen, that I would never become pregnant. I was trying to protect my heart from the inevitable, but the pain would still come. I was so afraid that God would not grant my desires that I would only ask Him to help me accept the broken pieces of myself. I was not even realizing that God wants me to be whole and healed. Just like the hemorrhaging woman, Jesus wants me to reach out to Him and to trust that I will be healed.
As this infertility journey continues for me, I will still ask God to help me accept His will for me, but also, I will ask for His healing. I will reach out to touch his clothes. Just as the woman speaks aloud, I will pray aloud, “I shall be cured.” This is not childishly naive, this is true faith and trust. What do I have to lose anyway? I have only to gain! Why should I fear placing my heart in the hands of my God? He alone can make me whole in the ways that He sees fit. He has a plan for my healing and I must lean into that plan, whether it means bearing children of my own or embracing other ways to fulfill my call to motherhood. He will provide the healing in my heart to make me whole. Lord, give me the grace to be open to your healing powers and the willingness to be changed by you.
Stacey Huneck lives in Indiana with her husband, Phil. She is pursuing her Master of Arts in Theology from the University of Notre Dame while serving as a high school Youth Minister.
Meet the Springs in the Desert team at our one-day retreat for women on December 7, 2019 in Philadelphia. See our retreat page for more information, or email us at firstname.lastname@example.org