I recently read a quote by St. Francis de Sales about the cross we carry being a carefully curated gift.  If I had read this quote about 10 years ago when I first began walking the path of infertility, I would have been quite….angry. The initial years of infertility most certainly felt like a cross, but came nowhere near feeling like a gift. Praise God I now have a new perspective on suffering and I can share this quote with encouragement and joy. 

St. Francis de Sales wrote, “The everlasting God has in His wisdom foreseen from eternity the cross that He now presents to you as a gift from His inmost heart. This cross He now sends you He has considered with His all-knowing eyes, understood with His divine mind, tested with His wise justice, warmed with loving arms and weighed with His own hands to see that it be not one inch too large and not one ounce too heavy for you. He has blessed it with His holy Name, anointed it with His consolation, taken one last glance at you and your courage, and then sent it to you from heaven, a special greeting from God to you, an alms of the all-merciful love of God.” (“Your cross” by St. Francis de Sales)

The early years of infertility were painful and difficult. I remember the times of grief, anger, frustration and discouragement. This cross my husband and I carried felt too heavy and we didn’t want it. We couldn’t grasp why our loving Father would allow us, His children, to feel so alone. Our perception of being alone was rooted in our attempts to try and control everything and hide in our pain. Instead of drawing us closer together and closer to Christ, we were moving farther apart. 

Fortunately, we have a God who pursues and is faithful. Years of healing from wounds, prayer, asking for support, learning about God and who He is, and opening our hearts to His love changed the cross for us. What St. Francis so beautifully described above is the comfort and love our Father has for His beloved. This quote confirmed what I now know about God – that he deeply cares for me and my life is in His hands. The cross is a mystery, and I don’t know why I have to bear the cross of infertility. It’s easy to despair when I so greatly desire physical motherhood and to have a big family. Instead of this cross just being delivered to me, He has lovingly placed His hands on it first. Our Father does not overlook anything. My cross is infused with Him. I have received abundant  comfort and peace from this quote. 

Letting go of the unknown and placing all of my trust in Him has been a challenge. As a Nurse and NFP instructor, I was certain that I would figure out the cause of my infertility and could solve this problem. But God was not and is not asking me to solve anything. He is asking for complete trust and abandonment, for a complete letting go and uniting to the cross. Each day is a choice – to allow God to control and let Him love and comfort me, or to attempt to take charge while losing peace. One day I will ask Him why my husband and I received this cross in particular. But for now, I cling to this cross that has brought me close to Him. As Mother Teresa once said, “All the suffering and humiliations and the pain is but the kiss of Jesus—a sign that you have come so close to Jesus on the cross that He can kiss you” (Where There Is Love, There Is God by Mother Teresa, p. 199).  That is how close I want to be to Him. 

Dear sister, you are not alone, and your cross was not haphazardly dumped onto your lap, despite the pain and abandonment you may feel. Your cross has been gently, carefully and tenderly placed by our Loving Father. Your cross has the power to bring you into deep communion with God and allow you to kiss Jesus’ sweet face. 

Anneli Grimard is a wife, mother, RN, and Marquette Method of NFP instructor with Vitae Fertility Education. In her professional work, she helps women and couples work with their natural fertility and understand their reproductive health. In her downtime, she enjoys reading, cranking the music, and eating popcorn with a good movie.