The German theologian Hans Urs von Balthasar, considering the Christian states of life, wrote that, “every true love has the inner form of a vow: It binds itself to the beloved and does so out of motives and in the spirit of love.”  Admittedly, this little gem carries some hefty theological weight, but don’t worry if you can’t unpack it easily. In a way, the read-it-again, head-scratching mystery of this statement encompasses the meaning of marriage. It’s serious and light, magical and mundane, a hardship and a wonderful adventure. Books and programs can be helpful, but nothing can truly prepare us for what our marriages will hold. That’s what makes it a leap of faith and an opportunity to discover ourselves, and God, in the lifelong discovery of each other.

The vows exchanged in a Catholic wedding are clear and specific: promises the couple makes to each other as a human imaging of the divine Communion of Persons – Father, Son, and Holy Spirit – into Whose life the spouses are invited. The vows are spoken witnesses to the reality of the love between two people who join hands and walk into their future together – but not alone. 

I promise to be faithful to you in good times and in bad // Katie Summers

Infertility was not one of the “hard times” I expected in my marriage. Making my vows on my wedding day, the challenges I anticipated were more along the lines of sleepless nights, endless diapers, and a tight budget.

When my husband and I realized infertility was going to be one of the crosses in our marriage, I felt unprepared. Lord, this was not one of the things we talked about in marriage prep! I felt afraid, facing a gut-wrenching cross we hadn’t even thought of, let alone discussed, ahead of time. 

Yet, whether we’d discussed infertility or not, we had promised to remain faithful in good times and in bad. One of the beautiful things about Catholic wedding vows is that they embrace and encompass all the possible trials and joys that could ever befall a couple. I promised to remain faithful to my husband, no matter what we encountered together in our marriage. On our wedding day, God equipped us with the graces we need to remain faithful and love each other through every cross He has in store for us, including the cross of infertility.

While infertility is a deeply challenging path to walk, the Lord has equipped each of us with the graces we need to remain faithful to our spouses and to Him – in good times and in bad.

in sickness and in health // Cassandra Taylor

Two and a half weeks before our second wedding anniversary, I underwent a hysterectomy. The surgery was the final event in an unexpected and shocking chain of bad news, culminating in a cancer diagnosis that we had received piece by piece over the three months leading up to that September. I lost part of myself on that day, and together we lost our fertility – and surrendered our desire, our expectation (the best word for it), of bringing children into the world.

Since life is both short and very, very long at the same time, the promise to love “in sickness and in health” is a radical one. At this point, my husband would remind us that “radical” (in addition to being a type of hysterectomy – but that’s my note, not his) comes from the Latin radix – root, foundation. I will love all of you, unconditionally, forever – that is the foundation of love – even when you don’t feel like yourself, even when you’ve lost part of yourself, even when you change with the passage of time.

The cancer diagnosis, treatment, and recovery was a watershed moment in our marriage. While it was devastating, and we lived through it imperfectly, I would still say that we dealt with it pretty well – all things considered. In a sense, those smaller daily, weekly, monthly instances where we run into the reality of our fallen human natures have been more difficult to live through with grace and surrender. And it is those times – when my husband is struggling with a migraine, or I am struggling with anxiety, or maybe when you are dealing with terrible cramping, or a back injury, or depression – that we need to remind ourselves all the more: I will be patient with you. I will not blame you. You are not a hindrance to me; you are my beloved. By the grace of God, in sickness and in health, I will love all of you – unconditionally, forever.

to love you and to honor you all the days of my life // Jillian Kubik

Just after getting married, my husband began waking up several times in the middle of the night, experiencing blurry vision and loss of feeling in his feet. We quickly learned that he was a Type 1 Diabetic, and our lifestyle would need to change. Shortly after we received that diagnosis, we miscarried our first child, and six months later, we miscarried our second child. Then came several years of infertility, more supplements and medication than I could count, and a schedule filled with medical appointments. Then, just six months after giving birth to our third child, I woke up one day unable to walk or stand without assistance. Amidst 17 months and counting of various therapies to regain daily function, we buried my mom, our home flooded three times, and my husband unexpectedly lost his job.

Our marriage has been filled with obstacles, adversity, and much suffering. Yet, it has also been filled with moments of laughter and immense joy, like dancing in the kitchen, summer boat rides, and late-night laughter over a glass of wine. God didn’t call us to marriage because we had already figured out how to love each other well and honor each other’s wishes and desires. Rather, He called us to choose to love and to choose to honor, no matter what each day brought. 

When he needed to change our regular menu to accommodate his diagnosis? I chose to honor his needs in our grocery list.

When I need assistance to stand long enough to take a shower? He chooses to love me through physical care.

When we needed to transition our family amidst a job loss? I chose to honor the new season and location to which God was bringing us.

When we needed to pause our plans to bury my mother and support my dad? He chose to honor the space I needed. 

Each day looks so different for our family, but love and honor is present through it all.

concluding thoughts // Ann Koshute

A vow is a promise and a binding force which demands something of those entering into it. In a culture that increasingly devalues marriage, viewing its demands as a hindrance to freedom and self-actualization, your marriage is a sign of contradiction. In a world that sees children either as rights to be claimed or obstacles to be removed, your marriage is a light in the darkness. In seasons of uncertainty and loss, dreams delayed or detoured, the vows you made on your wedding day are an anchor in a safe harbor. The “inner form” of your love is in those vows: your faithful witness to each other’s pain, the tenderness with which you care for each other in your weakest moments, and the selflessness with which you honor each other – even when it’s challenging or uncomfortable.

God, too, promises His fidelity to you, His tender care and constant presence in your times of need, and He will honor His promise to be with you all the days of your lives, and into eternity.

In the end, complex yet beautiful theological formulations boil down to the simplest of truths: love – your love – is a gift freely given to each other for your good, and the good of all who are touched by it. The “inner form” of your love, of your marriage, takes the shape of these vows, in the daily routine, in the challenges and celebrations, and in the uniquely beautiful and fruitful ways God invites you to live them out. 

-The Springs in the Desert Team