The last few weeks of summer are coming to an end, and fall is just around the corner, even if the Texas heat hasn’t gotten the message and likely won’t for a while. The chain stores already have their Halloween décor out, and time continues to march on as I reach year eight of carrying the cross of infertility. Back to school advertisements, excitement, discussions, and stress have become omnipresent. This time of year is always a reminder of the children we don’t have, the memories we haven’t been able to create, and the milestones we aren’t an intimate part of. There are many occasions for grief on the path of infertility, and back to school season can feel like a spotlight on our personal pain and the gifts we haven’t received. This can easily nudge me into a pit of comparison and despondency if I am not paying attention, and so I wanted to create a back to school “checklist” for myself that I pray may be helpful for you as well. 

Check in on my life of Faith

First and foremost, I can be honest about whether my faith in God and belief in His goodness is becoming conditioned by whether or not I have children or have experienced loss. If I am struggling in this regard, my view of God is likely distorted and I may have even estranged myself from Him without realizing it. Ensuring that I am maintaining my relationship with God and not allowing the enemy’s lies to take hold in my life is essential for my own wellbeing and sanctification. 

A few things that help me stay connected to God and the truth of His love are 

  • remaining rooted in my identity as beloved daughter, 
  • reading scripture, 
  • receiving the sacraments (especially reconciliation), 
  • and remembering that I am not alone through connection with resources or others who can support me and speak light into my life

Audit my routines

Next, I can review my current routines and habits in general. Are they sufficient for a true work-life balance and rightly ordered? 

For example:

  • Am I prioritizing time in my day with God and His word? 
  • Am I caring for myself, family, and those God has placed in my life? 

If any of the answers to these questions are no, I can journal about  opportunities  for change and consider where I’d like to start trying something different. 

Assess my health

After reviewing my spiritual life and general routines, I can look at the state of my physical health and lifestyle habits. Some questions I like to ask myself are:

  • Am I attending to my health? What can seem basic, such as adequate sleep, good nutrition, and physical movement are vitally important and much more elusive than they appear. 
  • Where am I already doing well and where might I be able to improve? 
  • Many of us in a season of infertility have acute or chronic health conditions –  am I keeping up with my medical care and check-ups? (This is different from medical focus on conceiving, as instead it is on physical health for our own sake, and not purely for improved fertility or a particular outcome.)
  • What are areas where it’s been difficult to care for myself? Can I consider these tender places and make an action plan to begin addressing them? If it feels too overwhelming, I may want to assess what is truly essential and begin with that for a time. 

Review mindset & thought-patterns

A few prompts to take to prayer and/or journal with:

  • Am I consumed by what I don’t have more than I am able to cultivate gratitude for what I do? 
  • Am I absorbed in my grief? 
  • Am I noticing an increase of anxiety or depression or have my relationships been more difficult? 
  • Am I isolating myself from God or others? 
  • Do I doubt that my life has purpose and meaning? 

If the answer to any of these is yes, my encouragement is to discern whether seeking mental health care may be beneficial. A Spiritual Director may also be helpful as we attend to our overall wellness. 

Utilizing this checklist and making positive changes doesn’t mean that all of our challenges on the path of infertility are gone; however, every effort we make and each encounter with the Lord matters now and for eternity. 

I may not be getting ready to send children back to school, but I can use this opportunity to return to Christ and continue working towards aligning my will with His. I can care for myself and others with renewed consideration. Jesus goes before me in all things and I am not in any of this alone. He has shown me how to live; season after season, I need only follow in His steps. 

Lauren Legnitto, LCSW lives in Texas with her husband and their spoiled dog. She is the owner of  Waiting Seasons Counseling PLLC where she can support others through times of uncertainty and suffering.