They say that hardship either brings you closer to God or moves you further away from him. These polarizing situations  shake us to our core and leave us either more convinced about God or less, but there is no middle ground when it comes to hard times. 

Infertility is one of the hardest situations a couple can experience. Studies show that couples (and women in particular) going through infertility experience the same trauma and stress a cancer patient experiences. (cf. this study) In our newlywed days, my husband and I  were so full of hope that a baby would come next month, and then the next month, until we finally realized that may not be in the cards for us. 

At first, I was willing to trust God – I knew many situations like ours, where it seemed like the couple just plugged in the magic formula, and voila! But after trying all of our viable options, I quickly became disenchanted with God. 

I wasn’t willing to be honest with Him. I thought I should protect God from the immensity of my anger, cynicism, and resentment, since  I was trying so hard to present a positive persona to the world. I rarely allowed myself a moment to grieve because I figured our situation wasn’t unique. This kind of thinking only caused me to become angrier though. 

After many years of truly wrestling with God, however, I have come to a place of acceptance. While I am still figuring it out day by day and by no means have all the answers, a few things have helped me stay close to God and to reconcile with Him despite my initial anger. 

Firstly, I had to learn how to be honest with God. While I was afraid at first that God would not accept my true emotions, or would somehow punish me for them, I learned through my husband and others that I was not giving God enough credit. He is bigger than the universe, holds all life in His hands, and is a good Father, even sacrificing His only beloved Son, so that I could be with Him for eternity. All that to say, he can handle any emotion! When I started to be honest with God, He began to heal those deep places. He brought peace  amidst the immense and intense emotions. I now strive to entrust every emotion to God – confident He won’t abandon me, but instead  will sit with me in  love and tenderness.  I believe it is vital that we learn to trust that God has our best interests at heart no matter our earthly circumstances because of the fruits of this honesty and perseverance I’ve experienced. It was long, hard, and often exhausting work, but it has brought incredible peace to my life. 

To aid my work in learning to be honest with God, I devoured resources that helped me in my healing journey. I saturated myself in good books, podcasts, and devotions.  These resources helped me understand God’s character and my identity as a beloved daughter of God. I learned that my relationship with God is not one of transaction – I don’t do something right to receive what I want from God (namely, a child), I do something right because I love God and He loves me and that is more than enough. 

I also started reaching out to trusted friends and family regarding our situation. I realized that one of the tactics the devil was using to keep me angry at God was to make me feel like I was completely alone in my struggles. Once I started being vulnerable, I found such kindness and tenderness. Yes, there are always going to be people who just don’t get it, and I quickly found out that there were some with whom I just couldn’t share what was going on, or whom I even needed to distance myself from for a time. Accepting and listening to what I needed to find healing and peace helped me immensely when it came to regaining friendship with God. 

Finally, I came here – to Springs, and I got involved. The message that my marriage was already fruitful, as well as finding ways to give back to this community helped me so much in my healing journey. It was through Springs that I finally understood that children were not a right owed to my husband and me for being “such great Catholics” (said very much tongue-in-cheek!), but are a gift that are neither earned nor deserved. I also learned here (or at least found the capacity to accept it) that this world isn’t Heaven, and infertility is an evil that shouldn’t be here, but it is because we live in a fallen world. It is a cross like any other cross, and we are asked to unite our true, real, hard suffering to Jesus, not as some kind of nicety or pious practice, but because this is how God is sanctifying us if we let him. It’s unfair, and we should and can cry out to God to bring vindication, but at the same time, we must deep-down trust that God wants only our good and is not using infertility to punish or withhold. We should run to Jesus on the cross and beg His Mother to console us in our deep pain and offer it all back to Him. 

While it’s okay to be angry at God for what is happening, I encourage you, dear sister, don’t stay there. Let God meet you in your anger or sadness or despair or whatever it is you’re feeling, and allow Him to transform it. Will it happen overnight? Probably not. But the contentment, joy, and peace I’ve found in the acceptance of my own infertility is a far cry from me giving up; rather, I have chosen to root myself to our loving Father and trust that He is doing something mysterious that I most likely won’t understand this side of Heaven. This is a daily (sometimes hourly, sometimes minute-by-minute) choice, but it’s worth the struggle every time. God is big enough for all of what we throw at Him. Rather than pushing Him away, let’s find our peace in befriending Him even when things are hard.

Merideth Ochs is a wife and mother seeking the true, good, and beautiful. She loves coffee and books. You can find more of Merideth’s writing on her Substack: https://mannafromthesky.substack.com/.

photo credit: Elissa Voss; used with permission