One of the true joys of my job and vocation is when my patients with infertility call into the office with a positive pregnancy test. It’s usually the nurses who take the call or message, but when I get an HCG order in my in-basket to sign, I can’t help but smile and usually run over to them to share the joy. We’ve journeyed with the patient through the endless diagnostic tests, treatments, medication side effects, negative pregnancy tests, surgery preparation and post op, emotional highs and lows, and it has all come to fruition in a positive pregnancy test. Many of my patients have the experience of feeling like it is an unplanned pregnancy because month after month they have seen one line on the pregnancy test or have sorrowed at the coming of their period. Many are understandably guarded (knowing their risk of miscarriage is higher);  a positive pregnancy test does not necessarily mean a baby in their arms in nine months. 

With that positive pregnancy test the blood draws, hormone supplementation, ultrasounds, and anxiety come for a new reason – to support the growing child inside. When there is no heartbeat on the ultrasound or the bleeding starts, the joy, excitement, and anxiety quickly turn into grief and “why did this happen?” and “what did I do wrong?” I make it a point to tell my patients that a miscarriage is never a woman’s fault. It isn’t because progesterone wasn’t started in time, or because too much gluten was eaten. Most of the time we never find out on this side of Heaven why the baby passed. Sometimes genetic testing gives an answer, or testing during or after the miscarriage gives some possible insight, but many times we do not have an answer.

With miscarriage the ache of not conceiving a child is compounded with the ache of not meeting and raising the child that so much testing, treatment, scheduled intercourse, prayers, hope, and tears were poured into month after month. And then the thought of “getting back on the wagon” with the same treatment regimen, compounded with the worry of how long it will take to conceive again and the possibility of another miscarriage becomes dreadful.

Dear sisters, you do not have to jump right back into treatment. You do not need to force a timeline upon yourself for when you are going to be healed from this. As one of my favorite artists, Kacey Musgraves, sings in her song “justified,” “Healing doesn’t happen in a straight line.” And while we’ve all heard the adage, “time heals all wounds,” like Amanda Hearn says in Nursery of Heaven, “I think really they should say, ‘God heals all wounds in time.’” 

I think both of these thoughts reflect my own experience with healing – that with the grace of God I need to be patient with myself during the lifelong healing process. In the beginning, crying every day may be how we express our sorrow but 6, 12, 18 months later it may be sadness when the baby’s due date comes, or when we see a pregnant mama in the grocery store. During the most painful times in my life, God brought healing through talking to close family and friends (sometimes calling my mom every day), my spiritual director, my therapist, focusing on self care, fasting from social media, praying, and journaling. The pain does become less acute the farther we get away from the event, but that doesn’t mean that we forget it. 

When I gave my valedictorian speech at my high school graduation, my parents told me how my grandmother sobbed in the pew because I am named after the daughter she lost. She never saw her Caroline graduate from high school, and 40 years later this brought her sorrow. But this sorrow was mixed with joy as God allowed her to, in a way, see her Caroline graduate. 

This reality reminds me of the song, “Bigger than the Whole Sky” by Taylor Swift which played in my head as I wrote this post. Because of the lyrics many “Swifties” have speculated it is about a miscarriage. Regardless of what the song is really about, I think the lyrics and somber tone of the song reflect well the sorrow parents experience with miscarriage.

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

You were bigger than the whole sky

You were more than just a short time

And I’ve got a lot to pine about

I’ve got a lot to live without

I’m never gonna meet

What could’ve been, would’ve been

What should’ve been you

You aren’t going to watch this child grow from a baby to a toddler, get to know their unique personality, graduate high school, and celebrate life’s many joys and sorrows together. And that is a cause for mourning that you should allow yourself to feel. But it is not a cause for despair. You can still have a relationship with this child, even though it is not the relationship you desire. As soon as the sperm met the egg and fertilization took place, God touched your body and placed an immortal soul into your son or daughter (See Alice Von Hildebrand’s Privilege of Being a Woman). At that moment, you became a mother and you will always be the mother of that child. You can talk to that child, that child can pray for you, you can name that child, and you will meet that child again someday. 

I unfortunately lost a niece to miscarriage this year. My brother and sister-in-law gave her a name, and keep her ultrasound picture displayed in their home. I ask Regina’s intercession for me and imagine her praying for her parents, grandparents, and aunts and uncles who loved her from the moment they found out about her and still do. I imagine her interceding for us along with my Aunt Caroline and my siblings, her aunts and uncles, who my mom lost through miscarriage. I imagine Mary taking care of her and loving her in the “Nursery of Heaven” . And I imagine the joy of all of us meeting in Heaven one day, a day I look forward to in anticipation and hope.

Please know that I am praying for you and rooting for you on this crazy journey to Heaven.

Caroline Gindhart is a nurse practitioner at Divine Mercy Women’s Health in Camp Hill/Carlisle, Pennsylvania. She received her nursing degrees from Penn State University. In her professional work, she diagnoses the root causes of infertility and treats in a way that cooperates with the woman’s cycle using her training in the Creighton Model and NaPro Technology.