“In times of desolation, we should never make any change, but remain firm and constant in the resolution and decision which guided us the day before the desolation…” St. Ignatius (cf. Rule 5.) 

In our journey, and in the journey of so many others, the emptiness of infertility brought with it a season of desolation. The emptiness we felt inside radiated outwards and impacted our relationships with friends, family, and God. “I call desolation all the contrary of the third rule, such as darkness of soul, disturbance in it, movement to things low and earthly, the unquiet of different agitations and temptations, moving to want of confidence, without hope, without love, when one finds oneself all lazy, tepid, sad, and as if separated from his Creator and Lord. Because, as consolation is contrary to desolation, in the same way the thoughts which come from consolation are contrary to the thoughts which come from desolation.” (Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius, TAN Classics) On the path of infertility, when we feel empty and abandoned by the world, it is all too easy to feel abandoned by God as well. At the same time, the path of infertility is filled with difficult decisions that touch the core of our mission as a married couple. In this state of desolation, does St. Ignatius’ guidance hold true? How can we move forward if we can’t make decisions?

At the beginning of our marriage, my wife and I had a clear picture of how many children we wanted to have. My wife always said four and I said three – a buffer child in case the last set was twins. Although we had an idea in mind, we knew that we wanted a large family and we also knew that the outcome was in God’s control. As the months turned into a year, the anxiety and stress started seeping into our hearts and minds. As a year stretched into three, the desolation started to encompass us. The desolation felt inescapable and everlasting. It wasn’t just the physical desolation and emptiness we felt in our bodies – it was accompanied by a spiritual desolation as well. We asked the questions, “Why us?,” “Why them?,” and “Was trusting in God’s timing truly the best decision for our family planning?” Contrary to Ignatius’ recommendation, we felt that the only way we could rid ourselves of such desolation was to make a change – a change that would get us closer to our initial resolution and our decision to have a child. 

It’s been said that the devil is in the details, and in our case, it couldn’t be more true. In seeking to soothe our own desolation, we turned away from God and turned towards ourselves. Our resolution changed from growing our family through God’s design for marriage and conception to growing our family through our own actions through the use of Artificial Reproductive Technology. The desolation continued to empty our family. It drained us completely, but what were we to do? How could we escape this desolation in our current state of decision paralysis?

For those of us transfixed by the wound of infertility, the instruction is simple. We should allow  the Lord to console us. Ignatius didn’t define the opposite of desolation as jubilation, joy, or fertility as Merriam-Webster might. Instead, Ignatius called it consolation. The simple fact the Spirit guided Ignatius to juxtapose desolation with consolation is profound. Consolation is seeing the immense love that the Lord has for each of us, as we are right now. Consolation is allowing the Lord to comfort us. Consolation is allowing the Lord to heal our brokenness and the wounds we have caused to others.

After multiple rounds of Artificial Reproductive Technology, the wounds in our souls and marriage were gaping. Through the grace of God, we found balm for our sorrows in His healing wounds. Since that time, with Christ at our side, we navigated decisions surrounding adoption, further medical treatment, and, eventually, found peace embracing our own mission as a childless couple. Throughout this journey, we cycled from desolation to consolation multiple times both as a couple and independently.

Throughout our experience with infertility, Ignatius’ advice to not make critical decisions during times of desolation held true. 

What does consolation look like in a season of infertility, though? Naturally, it will look different in the lives of different couples, but hopefully by sharing some key ways the Lord worked in my experience and marriage, others can more easily see God working in their lives, too. Throughout our journey, God provided me and my wife with consolation through the gift of each other, Eucharistic Adoration, and the pain itself. 

Ignatius says that God can permit desolation to help establish our trust in Him. In the same way, God can bestow consolation on only one spouse in a marriage to establish our trust not only in Him, but also to strengthen the unity and trust in our marriage bond. Frequently, my wife or I served as God’s instrument to the other, communicating His will and presence as we approached new crossroads on our path.

Adoration has also been a deep source of consolation in our marriage. Our parish participates in Perpetual Adoration. The simple fact of signing up for a routine, dedicated time each week to give to the Lord and to give to each other establishes the habit necessary to persevere through times of desolation.

Lastly, God has provided consolation through the unification of  His pain with ours. The Lord is the only source of true comfort. Hiding our wounds of infertility in His sacred wounds provides us a deep sense of peace. The vastness of His love poured from His side into our own wounds purifies and glorifies the pain of infertility we suffer. Although the pain does not cease, it soothes the soul to know our pain has a purpose when united with His.

St. Ignatius calls consolation “all that increases faith, hope, charity and all that fills the soul with holy joy” (The Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius, TAN Classics). In this regard, to receive consolation, all we have to do is turn our eyes towards God. All we have to do is ask for His help. The smallest steps towards Heaven can relieve the largest weight of desolation. In this Jubilee Year of Hope, I pray that each of us has the courage to take one step forward as Pilgrims of Hope in our journey through infertility to Heaven.

Christian lives in Oklahoma with his amazing wife. They enjoy walking their two dogs and spending time with their family in Oklahoma and Kansas. As a couple, after a long bout with infertility, they have discerned that they are called to live a life-giving, childfree life.