We wanted to share how together as a couple we’ve experienced a deeper unity and intimacy as a gift borne of infertility.. As we share our story, we share with understanding and reverence for others who are in the thick of infertility and may be feeling discontented or distanced from their spouse. The truth is that the enemy always strives to put a wedge into our marriages. He tries so hard to use the cross of infertility to create tension and distance between spouses. The stress of doctors appointments, the emotional toll of cycles of treatment and negative tests, sexual intimacy beginning to feel like a chore – the enemy uses all these things to further divide. But it is important to speak the truth that our marital unity is still present in the midst of the deepest suffering and pain. 

It is this mutual suffering and pain that we’ve shared over the past eight  years of infertility that has deepened our unity in more ways than we thought possible. Compassion means “to suffer with.” When we suffer with another, when they are in the pits and we enter into the pit to pull them out, that is compassion. That is a profoundly bonding experience. We entered our suffering and grief of infertility together, although we processed it differently at different times. Ellie processed the grief more quickly, but during that time Trey always entered in with her and received her pain. After about three  years of marriage, Trey started to process his grief in his own way and Ellie stayed there with him in it. This shared suffering deepened our marital bond quickly and profoundly through the grace of our sacrament. 

Over this time of suffering, we found great comfort in knowing that the primary goal of marriage is unity. Everything that happens in our marriage is an opportunity to draw us nearer to God and nearer to each other. If we suffer the cross of infertility, that cross can be a means  by which God unifies and sanctifies us. 

The marital embrace is meant to be both procreative and unitive. When the procreative aspect of sex didn’t give us biological children as we expected, we began to pay attention to other ways that God was using us to be co-creative and bear fruit in other areas. Here’s what we noticed:

Our friendship grew
We developed a unique sense of humor that is specific to us. We joke around, speak in silly accents to each other, and genuinely love spending time together. Allowing ourselves to have real childlike joy at little things was deeply healing to the wounds we were carrying individually and as a couple. Not everyone has a silly sense of humor like we do, but we encourage you to find the ways to  be joyful together as a couple. Laughter can be a healing balm to a strained relationship and help you begin to heal together.

Our family grew
(Yes, we mean what we say – the two of us became a family on our wedding day). We got our husky beagle mix dog, Midge. Midge makes our family feel whole at this time. She’s been a great comfort when we are dealing with hard feelings. We’re even considering a second dog…

Our ministry grew
We started in youth ministry and now help with young adult ministry at our parish on a college campus. We’ve sponsored people entering the Catholic Church, we welcome students into our home for Bible studies, and we use the grace of our sacrament to intercede for college students and walk with them as spiritual parents. It has been a great gift to us to have those tangible fruits that we can see, and helps remind us that our marriage is fruitful even without biological children.

Our sexual intimacy has healed
Ellie had real pain during intercourse before her last endometriosis surgery, and it was something that we didn’t realize was deeply affecting our intimacy until months after her surgery. After the surgery, that pain was gone and her body was restored so that our martial union could flourish as it was intended to.

So, our advice for growing in unity is to rediscover the reasons you fell in love before infertility, get the first pet or the second, give of your time, talents, and treasures to the Church, and have sex just for fun and for the sole purpose of being in complete union with your beloved. 

Ellie & Trey Weaver were married in 2018 and now live in Baton Rouge, Louisiana with their husky/beagle mix, Midge. Trey was a parish Director of Youth ministry for seven years and is now the Coordinator of Youth and Young Adult Ministry for the Diocese of Baton Rouge. Ellie works as an interior designer and loves exploring new artistic hobbies. After discerning a call to embrace spiritual motherhood she is training to become a spiritual director. Trey and Ellie have been involved with ECHO Community, a Theology of the Body ministry for teens and young adults, since 2015. They love admiring the beauty of Creation, traveling to the mountains, and pursuing multiple shared and individual hobbies, such as film photography, good coffee, classic cocktails and cuisine.