During a season of infertility or loss, friendships can be profoundly tested, deepening in immeasurable ways as our friends stand with us in our pain or suffering a disconnect as friends step away, unsure how to carry our cross with us. We may see friendships we thought were solid quietly slip away, while acquaintanceships suddenly deepen and strengthen. 

Friendship is an intentional choice during this season, particularly when the friend in question may be experiencing the gift of a child whether through pregnancy or adoption. During these times, I have learned there’s a delicate balance of learning to love and support a pregnant friend while also being mindful of protecting my own heart. It can be beneficial to prayerfully discern how to be supportive throughout their pregnancy, honest about the challenges of attending baby showers during infertility, while also protecting your heart against comparison or envy.

During our seven year season of infertility and loss, we witnessed friends and family celebrate the gift of not just one, but sometimes two, three, or four more children with multiple baby showers and baptisms. I learned to share with my closest friends or sister or sister-in-laws that I was struggling, while also striving to be loving and supportive. This took different forms at different times, such as checking in with them after an ultrasound, attending their baby shower or not, or providing support and care packages postpartum.

Friendship can also be life-giving when we see our friends stand with us in our pain and support us not only through surgeries and treatments, but also miscarriages and loss of a child. The support of those friends who brought us meals, sent flowers, gave a small gift to commemorate our two children in Heaven after our miscarriages, or came to visit with a meal after one of my endometriosis surgeries meant the world to us. It can be scary to let others support and love you during these vulnerable, tender, and difficult times, but in doing so, you allow others to stand with you at the foot of the cross and offer consolation and support. 

Here are a few ideas on how to grow in friendship during a season of infertility or loss and also how to be a friend to those walking this path:

  • Reach out to other couples going through infertility or loss. Talking through the trials, the treatments, and feelings of infertility with another couple who understands can be deeply healing and help you feel less alone. It may take time to truly open up, but it’s worth the effort (You could even consider joining or starting a small group in your area!).
  • If you have a friend who is pregnant, be open and honest with her about the struggle it can be to witness another’s pregnancy during infertility while also sharing your joy over the gift and miracle of her child. Being honest while striving to be supportive has helped heal and strengthen friendships with friends who had multiple pregnancies during our season of infertility and loss. Discern about attending the baby shower but do send a supportive gift if you discern not to attend. Offer your friend postpartum support with a care package, a meal, a tidy of the house, or simply checking in with them during those first few months postpartum. It is painful, but your friend will remember and appreciate your love and sacrifice for them even more in light of your infertility journey.
  • After a surgery or difficult treatment, check in with your friend, offering to help with a meal or tidying the house, but most especially offering up prayers and a listening ear. 
  • If you are a friend to a couple experiencing infertility and have a pregnancy announcement to make, it often helps to let the friends with infertility know ahead of time via a text, to give them space to process, grieve, and then rejoice with you. Springing an announcement on a friend in person can be very challenging for those of us experiencing infertility. 
  • If a friend has experienced a miscarriage or infant loss, be present with them even in silence in their pain. There aren’t the “right” words to say, but your friend will remember your presence, your hugs, and your holding space for their grief. If you can, attend the service or funeral of the lost baby. Send flowers or a meal as a way to show gentle support. Most especially, check in with your friend not only on the anniversary of their loss, but also a month or 2-3 months after when initial support for your friend after the loss may have dissipated. 
    • Consider sending a small gift to acknowledge the baby, such as a painted picture of the couple with the little one(s) they lost in their arms, a necklace with a charm for the baby’s name or first initial, or a care package for comfort. Etsy has many thoughtful gift options for those who have experienced loss. 

It takes courage and intention to maintain friendships during a season of infertility or loss. Give yourself and your friends a great deal of grace as you learn to walk through both joyful and heartbreaking times in your lives, seeking to be honest about your experience of infertility and being present and loving even when their cross is one you wish you carried. Just as Christ was accompanied by His mother, St. John, and Mary Magdalene at the cross, let us allow our friends to stand with us on our Calvaries and offer us support, love, and presence and let us do the same to them. 

Lenore and her husband Bobby were married in 2017 and are parents to two lost to miscarriage and one little one on earth, living in a small town in Ohio with their Australian shepherd, Augie. Lenore loves to bake, read, dance, hike with their dog, and travel with her husband. Her favorite Springs in the Desert offerings are the blog posts sharing the hard-earned wisdom of Springs in the Desert community members and the “Weekly Well” prayer emails.