For many, October is a month dedicated to fall festivities and preparing for the upcoming holiday season.  For my family, it is a month set aside to celebrate our five babies in Heaven. Although we don’t get to celebrate their birthdays with cake and presents, October is the month when we remember each of them and acknowledge their individuality. 

Soon after our first anniversary, my husband, Kurt, and I welcomed our first child into the world, Ruthie.  She was the light of our lives, and we were thrilled at the idea of growing our family.  These were the last moments before life shifted, and I learned to lean on God in a way I never had before. I experienced my first miscarriage, and God took that baby home to be with Him.  Schools were shut down due to COVID, and because I was a teacher, I was blessed to spend a few months at home healing my heart. 

Later that year, we found out that I was expecting another little one. I was able to breathe a sigh of relief at our first ultrasound which showed a healthy, growing baby.  However, at the twenty-week mark, it was discovered that our baby, whom we named Abe, had a rare and serious condition where both kidneys were replaced with cysts.  

We were referred to Children’s Hospital in Cincinnati, and I was prepared to hear that we may spend some time in the NICU after birth. I didn’t give any other outcome a second thought.  As the ultrasound began, however, my stomach instantly dropped.  I could see the cysts popping up everywhere in Abe’s kidneys, and that’s when I knew it was bad.  The doctor explained what was happening and broke the news with words that would echo in my mind for years to come.  She told us no matter how we proceeded, our baby was very sick and would have a shortened life. 

Our time at Children’s was no doubt guided by Jesus the whole way. Each step felt impossible, but I knew Abe’s story was already written. It was simply my job to listen to God the best I could and let Him take the wheel.  Nothing that I did or didn’t do was going to be bigger than our Lord and get in the way of His plan for Abe’s life. 

Every visit to Children’s during those months leading up to Abe’s birth flooded my heart with my biggest fear. The baby growing in my belly was going to meet Jesus on his birthday.  Ironically, that would be Abe’s greatest joy.  What felt so unbearable for me here on earth is what would set Abe free.  He wouldn’t have to face sin and would be able to skip over this broken world. He headed straight for an eternal life where he wasn’t sick and could spend his time with the most amazing Heavenly Father. 

God needed Abe in Heaven for a purpose far bigger than what I could ever understand. He was born on February 10th, 2021, and I felt more peace than I had in three months. Jesus embraced my pain and started working to extinguish the rage in my heart. I ached for what was quickly coming, but I was confident this was God’s plan for him and us.  We soaked up those last moments before our baby boy passed away at two hours old. 

The following months after Abe died turned into a continuous cycle of prayer and sadness. Prayers that Jesus would give us the strength to trust His lead, and sadness for the life we wouldn’t be able to watch grow here on Earth.  Back and forth, back and forth, until a little sunshine peeked through the thick fog of grief. 

In 2022, Jesus blessed us with our second son, Patrick.  After a miscarriage and losing Abe, Patrick was such a gift from God.  I will always know how lucky I am to be Ruthie and Patrick’s momma. However, as Patrick grew, my desire to have more children resurfaced intensely. I almost immediately started praying that God would emotionally prepare me for another pregnancy when He was ready, and to put it on my heart when it was time. I always pictured myself with a handful of  kids running around our house.  

Kurt and I gave this hunger to Jesus as we proceeded to walk through three more miscarriages over the following years.

Right after Patrick was born, a lady came up to us after church and told us how amazing it was that we got to “even things out.” You just look “complete” with one boy and one girl.  My heart instantly became enraged as I stared at her speechless. Although she meant well, her comment ignited a wave of anger within me because Abe is just as much my child as Patrick and Ruthie.  Patrick didn’t “even things out” because I already had a boy before Patrick was even in the picture. To the outside eye, yes, we may look like a complete family with a boy and a girl, but those five babies who are missing from our Earthly family are still so worthy of their momma’s love.  Each pregnancy was orchestrated by the greatest Author of all time, and we will forever feel like pieces are missing.

Nonetheless, out of the sadness and despair that was felt each time a small life was taken too soon from us, Jesus gently invited us to trust Him and lean on His everlasting promises, not to fall on this broken world as a temporary crutch.  

This October, I am choosing to remember my babies who left my arms too soon with peace, knowing they are special individuals who are with Jesus until I see them again.

Emily works in education. Outside of school, she spends most of her free time on her husband’s farm and playing with their 3 dogs and daughter and son.