“You will know them by their fruits . . . every good tree bears good fruit.” Matthew 7: 16-17

I think that it is very common for those of us on the path of infertility and loss to doubt that our marriage is bringing good into the world. I think that we can often view our marriage as devoid of or limited in good effect (or “good fruit,” to use the biblical language) because of the obvious reality that we don’t have kids or as many children as we thought that our marriage would bring. Aren’t children the fruit of marriage? Are we not, therefore, fruitless or inadequate when we struggle to grow our families? Indeed, isn’t the word “infertile” itself synonymous with “barrenness” and indicates a limited production of results, crops, or vegetation? It’s hard to not to take this reality and that word personally and thus infer that our marriage must be devoid of good fruit.

Enter in the additional pressures of Catholic family culture. There is a deep appreciation of families and of children within the Church and within Catholic circles. It makes sense that there is an appreciation for families who follow the “Gospel of Life” and allow their marital sexuality to be open to conceiving and raising children as God wills. It also makes sense that there is an appreciation for large Catholic families with many children, especially in light of it often being counter-cultural in a world l  so full of  the cultures of death, rigid family planning, and convenience. However, this appreciation sometimes unfortunately  leads to an implicit (or even explicit) preference for Catholic families with many children and a bias against Catholic couples with few or no children. It can be assumed that couples without many children are less devoted in their Catholic prayer and practice, or worse, not living in accordance with the Church’s moral teachings. It can be subtle, and sometimes it may be internal or external to a couple, but there can be a sense that a Catholic couple with a small family size is less faithful and less fruitful than couples with many children because there are fewer tangible fruits of the marriage (considered purely in the number of children that they have). For couples experiencing infertility and loss, even a quick glance at a large family filling up a whole pew (or multiple pews!) at Mass can be a painful reminder of feeling like you and your marriage are not as fruitful.

Thankfully for us, we can receive a word of comfort and truth: that our marriages are, in fact, fruitful and beautiful. Infertility and loss have not changed the fact that our marriages are inherently beautiful because God brought two people together and made them one. On the day of our weddings, we freely and lovingly vowed to unconditionally love our spouses and so became a new reality: a union of persons and a family. We have witnessed to the Gospel of Life in our own way by remaining faithful to God and the Church’s teachings regarding fertility – even when it has been hard. And we have glorified God in our marriages through loving each other as husband and wife, through reflecting the love of the Holy Trinity, and through our potential for procreating children, even if our union has not specifically resulted in biological children.

I see many other good fruits that come from beautiful marriages that may not have many (or any) children. I have witnessed many such marriages, especially in the Springs community, that radiate love, joy, and peace to people around them. I see these marriages extending love to their extended families and parishes, being present to relationships and important shared moments, providing support and comfort to others, volunteering precious time and effort, praying, translating suffering into purpose, and engaging in creative endeavors including founding this very ministry. I would not even be here writing this blog post today if it were not for the fruitfulness of Ann and Kimberly’s marriages, the marriages of the many other important people involved with Springs, and the fruitfulness of my own marriage and suffering turned into purpose. All this to say, there is an abundance of good fruit that you can produce within your own marriage and fruit that you are already yielding to each other, God, the Church, and the world.

In closing, remember that, when you are discouraged and tempted to view yourself and your marriage as barren and desolate, your marriage is a “good tree” that has been bearing good fruit from the very beginning through your love and commitment to your spouse. Remember that the Church needs the witness and fruit of small Catholic families like yours just as much as it needs large families, because we bring unique experiences, presence, and faithfulness to God. And pray that the Lord will bestow the grace of perseverance, inspire you with additional ways for you and your marriage to be fruitful, and illuminate the powerful ways in which you are already fruitful. 

“You will know them by their fruits . . . every good tree bears good fruit.” Matthew 7: 16-17

Edward Luersman, MA, LPCC lives in Central Ohio with his wife Kate and is owner and Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor at Blessed Are They Counseling. As a Catholic and mental health counselor who has personally experienced the agony of primary infertility and several pregnancy losses, his top professional specialty and passion is supporting Christian individuals and couples throughout Ohio and Florida experiencing the hidden reproductive grief of infertility, pregnancy loss, or infant loss through online, faith-integrated therapy. You may learn more and contact him at www.blessedaretheycounseling.com.