Holding Gabriel

…in the extreme night which no word penetrates, there will be a voice that calls us, a hand that takes our hand and leads us on. ~ Joseph Ratzinger There are a range of emotions that strike us as we navigate the rough terrain of infertility: frustration, anger, jealousy, hopelessness, to name only some of... Continue Reading →

Doors and Windows

When God closes a door, He opens a window. We’ve all heard this saying, and may have used it ourselves when encouraging a friend or family member who doesn’t get something they’ve wanted or worked hard for, or when they suffer a setback in their lives or career. I’ve been thinking about that saying a... Continue Reading →

The Desert…and the Spring

Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?   I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.  - Isaiah 43:18-19 Like most everybody, I grew up having dreams. Big ones. As a five year old, creating... Continue Reading →

Finding Fatherhood in Infertility

He wept. It was the sobbing-kind of weeping where you can’t control what is happening to you. My husband, Phil, is not the kind of person to cry over his own life situations. Sure, he gets a little teary-eyed when he sees something sad, but now four years into our marriage, I had never seen... Continue Reading →

Finding Purpose in Infertility

I was diagnosed with endometriosis back in 2013 after a laparotomy surgery.  I had been charting my signs of fertility with Natural Family Planning and was able to help diagnose it. The doctor found that my endo was Stage 3 (out of 4), and thankfully was able to remove it all. This helped me to... Continue Reading →

Dying to Self: A Man’s Perspective on Infertility

I’ve found that, as a man, it’s easy to reduce infertility to a problem that lies in the individual, and from there to treat it like a dragon that can be slain once and for all. I began to fall into this pit and was setting myself up for failure by trying to tackle these doctors’ visits and ensuing procedures in a similar way. It was a dumb mindset. Marriage is built on two people, and where there are two people working for sainthood, there’s no room for pride and arrogance.

The Vocation Idol

When I was single, I longed for the moment when God would present me with my vocation. I anticipated it at every turn and contemplated it at night falling asleep. When? Who? How? It was as though I began to desire the vocation itself more than God Himself. If I’m honest, I began to think once I... Continue Reading →

On Hope and Miracles

“To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Faith means believing the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless.” – G.K. Chesterton When I tell friends in Catholic circles about our minute prospects for biological children, and the lack of any ethical option for having biological children, a response I... Continue Reading →

On Feeling Invisible

Note: This is a journal-style reflection that I wrote during a difficult moment during my journey of infertility. While it was written a few years ago, I think (I hope) that it can still speak to the hearts of those carrying the cross of infertility, and in particular childlessness (no living children) – a cross... Continue Reading →

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