Infertility. Without fertility. A reminder that I lack. A reminder that I am not whole in myself. A reminder my body is broken. 

“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!” (Philippians 4:4-7)

God instills in the core of each of us an immense desire to give thanks to our Creator. How, then, in my lack does the Lord call me to thankfulness? Of course, in the midst of our grief, God gives us little opportunities to be thankful – a satisfied client at work, a crisp autumn day, that one particular companion that soothes our suffering – but do these little trivial happenings truly fulfill our need to give thanks? Do these small glimmers of light fill the void we can sometimes experience as we travel with the cross of infertility?

While there is real science behind gratitude journals, daily affirmations, and a positive mindset, I have found my relief outside of myself and my limitations. . In the parts of my body most wounded or lacking, I have found relief in giving thanks that His body has everything mine lacks.

Thankful for His Body the Church

At the beginning of our path of infertility, it felt as if the Church, Christ’s body on Earth, had left us behind. Whether it was a Mother’s Day blessing, newborn support ministry, or accidentally attending a children’s choir performance, I perceived the beauty of the Church alive as a personal attack to my own self-worth. Now, add to those perceived grievances the Church’s “strict” teachings on sexual morality. As our infertility journey extended through the years, we found ourselves continuously hanging over the Church’s guardrails regarding Artificial Reproductive Technology (ART) . We spoke to two priests, both of whom gently explained the Church’s teaching, yet we still saw Holy Mother Church’s teaching as “just a set of rules”. No wonder we suddenly found ourselves outside the loving guardrails of the Church pursuing illicit ART solutions. Technically, the Church hadn’t explicitly taught on the specific technology we utilized; however, it was practically impossible to justify the technology and square it with Catholic teaching, and we never really tried. After four failed attempts utilizing ART, our fertility practitioner indicated that the next best option was in vitro fertilization (IVF).

Thanks be to His Body, the Church! For us, IVF was not an option in large part due to the Church’s firm moral teaching. The decision to not pursue IVF saved our marriage, saved our Faith, and saved our lives. Those “rules” that we had once hated took on a new light. The Theology of the Body and rich history of the Faith taught us how much worth we both had. The Church that we had scorned and those priests we had consulted with and subsequently ignored, welcomed us back into His Body through the great sacrament of confession. While nothing is perfect this side of Heaven and the Church on earth is made up of imperfect people, thanks be to God that He is immortal and perfect and promises not to leave us abandoned as we make our way through this valley of tears.

Thankful for His Body in the Eucharist

During Communion, I often found myself reflecting on the story of the hemorrhaging woman – the woman that touched just the hem of His cloak and was healed. (cf. Matthew 9:20-22, Mark 5:25-34, and Luke 8:43-48) How lucky am I to touch Jesus directly in the Holy Eucharist. In those moments, I believed fervently. In those moments, I believed that, through Jesus in the Eucharist, my infirmities were healed. I carried that belief out of the church and into my home. I carried that belief until that monthly reminder indicated otherwise.

This monthly failure in my eyes started to skew my belief in the Eucharist as Christ’s True Body. Surely, if this was the true Christ, how could my suffering linger month over month?

“Taste and see that the LORD is good”  (Psalm 34:8)

Why did the Good Lord not relieve me from this suffering? In a profound experience at Adoration, I saw the Lord in the Eucharist for the True Body of Christ. In a profound way, Christ was humbling His Body to present Himself in forms of bread and wine. By assuming the form of bread and wine, He fully submits to the Father’s Will for Him. Through my reception of Holy Communion under the forms of the bread and wine, Christ was teaching me this same humility. While I was looking for physical healing, He had been providing spiritual nourishment and spiritual healing for some of my deepest wounds caused by  frequent sin. If not for my experience of infertility, I would not have been freed from the chains of habitual sin.

Thankful for His Body Glorified

Through His resurrected Body, Christ gives me great hope – hope for my broken body to become whole because of His glorified wounds.

Why does the glorified Christ  still bear His wounds? If Christ is God, why is His resurrected Body not “perfect” by our standards?

“Unless I see the mark of the nails in his hands and put my finger into the nailmarks and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.”  (John 20:25)

Christ’s resurrected Body glorifies the wounds of suffering He endured on earth for each of us. But more than that, Christ’s glorified wounds given for the Father and for each of us are integral to His glorified identity. Without the signs of His suffering, the signs of my salvation, how would I know this is truly my Lord?

In a similar way, our suffering, Lord-willing, will be glorified  in the Resurrection of the body at the end of time. As we walk towards judgment, Christ will call to each of us. He will identify us as His through the wounds we bore for Him.

“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice” (Philippians 4:4-7)

God doesn’t call us to rejoice only in our happiness. God calls us to rejoice in the Lord always. Through our pain and brokenness, when we feel we have nothing to give thanks for, God’s glory is magnified through our humble thanksgiving for His greatest gift given to us.

Christian lives in Oklahoma with his amazing wife. They enjoy walking their two dogs and spending time with their family in Oklahoma and Kansas. As a couple, after a long bout with infertility, they have discerned that they are called to live a life-giving, childfree life.