In early 2021, just a few short months before my wedding, my health began to decline. I lost weight and experienced fainting, bouts of debilitating sickness, and a vast array of symptoms that affected my entire body. After months of seeing many doctors and struggling with their reluctance to believe me, incorrect diagnoses, overnight hospital visits, numerous labs, imaging, and more, I was properly diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, Gastroparesis, Vascular Compressions, and other comorbid chronic health conditions that greatly affect my day-to-day life. I also learned that it would be extremely imprudent and even lethal for me and a future baby if I got pregnant (if I would even be able to get pregnant). In light of my debilitating symptoms and diagnoses, my husband and I have been living a Josephite marriage since our wedding day.
Many Catholics are unaware of the Josephite marriage. When the question “when are you going to have children?” is brought up, and I respond with a brief synopsis of my situation, they typically tell me, “your marriage is invalid,” “you’re leading yourself and your husband to hell” and/or “don’t you trust God enough to give you a miracle baby?” These are just a few things others have told me. Though we are at deep peace with our vocation and marriage, it can be difficult to cope with the judgment we often receive from others.
A Josephite marriage is a celibate marriage that gets its name from Joseph and Mary and their marriage. Theologically, a valid marriage begins from the time two people proclaim their vows to each other. Consummation is a right of marriage, but spouses may not claim this right for different reasons (such as in the case of Mary and Joseph). The Josephite marriage is incredibly rare today but is still valid and Sacramental. Because of its rarity, many Catholics tend to assume that it is invalid or sinful, when in fact, it is a beautiful form of the vocation in which instead of bearing physical fruit (i.e., biological children), the marriage is able to bear great spiritual fruit. Within a Josephite marriage, St. Paul’s note that spouses refrain from sexual intimacy “by mutual consent for a time” to devote themselves to prayer (1 Corinthians 7) is elevated to daily living. My husband and I are grateful that God has given us the grace to live out this vocation and to bear fruit in other ways.
To put my illness into context, I have been in occupational and physical therapy for almost a year now, as I attempt to regain some of my strength and find ways to adapt to daily living with chronic illness. My husband often has to help me with basic tasks, like putting on pants, holding me while I brush my teeth, and walking me to the bathroom when I am very weak and at risk for a fall. Even if I could safely be pregnant, we are in no place to care for a child when, truthfully, I can barely care for myself. The combination of our current circumstances and my prognosis led to us to sincerely pray and discern our unique vocation: a Josephite marriage.
Despite – or perhaps, because – of our celibate arrangement, we have experienced an abundance of grace in our marriage and the depth of these graces has shown no bounds. When my husband and I proclaimed our wedding vows on a crucifix, we did not realize the extent to which this image of Christ foreshadowed what was to come. Within weeks of our wedding day, we learned that we need to hold on to each other and the Cross ever so tightly as we bear our own crosses every single day. The Lord has been so generous with His grace as He accompanies us through these trials.
My husband has truly been laying down his life for me as he powerfully lives out his wedding vows of caring for his ill bride. He has lost just as many friendships as I have, has canceled his own plans to care for me, and does a majority of the chores around the house. He has even uprooted his life in the area in which we both grew up to move to a completely new town so I could have better medical care. He suffers alongside me – if not even more – because in marriage, our lives become entwined into one and we begin to care for the other more than we care for ourselves. When I suffer, he suffers, and vice versa.
Though my physical abilities are limited, I have the honor of praying for my husband and walking alongside him in other ways in our day-to-day lives. I pray for his physical, emotional, and spiritual health. I pray with him as we read the Scriptures together. I listen to him with great devotion as he tells me about his new work project or something that interests him. I have deep conversations with him about the spiritual life or anything that is on our minds. I share loads of laughter and joy with him as we enjoy shared hobbies and interests, such as movies, reading, and painting. All of this has allowed us to cultivate a love in our marriage that goes deeper than sexual intimacy.
Though our marriage may not bear physical fruit in the form of biological children, it is certainly bearing spiritual fruit as we discover and embrace a love that goes beyond the natural realm. We serve the Church through our witness to fidelity and devotion to the vocation of marriage amidst the depths of our suffering. We also serve the Church through our prayers and thank God for the ability to do so.
We give thanks to God for the great blessing that is our Josephite marriage and remain hopeful that it will continue to bear spiritual fruit as we live out our vocation every single day.
A.M. is a 20-something Catholic convert in her third year of marriage. She loves spending time with her husband, reading, writing, crafting, and advocating for those with chronic illness and rare diseases.
I’m quite impressed by this author! She must be a relatively recent convert, if she’s “20 something” at the time of the writing. Such spiritual maturity in so little time. God is so generous! I am sure you lean into the beautiful Catholic teachings on redemptive suffering; I know I certainly fell in love with those teachings when I converted! I always think of it like the silver lining to the rain clouds. Pray on, my sister in Christ! Pray on!
Thank you for your comment, Heather! God bless you!
God Bless you and your husband forever! You both are twin fountains of grace that sustains and saves souls.
Thank you does not begin to describe the sanctity that you two cultivate.
I pray for your continuing health.
You have no idea how much I needed to hear your story. Wow. I admire you so much and can’t believe how young you are. I’m in my early 30’s living this. God bless you all! My husband and I are currently in this situation due to illness we are both dealing with. We’ve been married for a few years, unable to consummate our marriage. It has been an intense struggle and roller coaster ride of emotions. We both very much love each other and have been praying for God’s healing. We are former evangelicals and I would like to become a Catholic. I had no idea there was such thing as a Josephite marriage until the last couple of months. I had no idea it was even possible. I have prayed and prayed and prayed some more and now I pray for fortitude. If I’m being honest, it has been very isolating and I was wondering if you have any friends who are supportive of you? If not, I will be your friend. I remember having so much fear that my marriage is invalid but I kept thinking deep down that this was God’s plan. It’s not what I planned but this is what has happened. My husband is my best friend and we have no resentment for one another. It hasn’t been easy but I pray whatever God’s will is, will be done in our lives and that he will be glorified. I definitely know what you mean about children. I don’t have any Catholic family and have had family members ask me when we are having kids and promoted IVF which we are against. It’s difficult because none of them know we are currently living a Josephite marriage. I made the mistake long ago of sharing this and there were very hurtful and unhelpful things said. I really wish this was talked about more because I think with God’s grace it is possible to live out. Sadly, it would seem most, even christians are very judgemental about it. I will definitely be praying for you all! Thank you for sharing your story! That is beautiful
Miranda, thank you so much for your comment, and for sharing your story. We’re so sorry for all you’ve been experiencing, but so blessed that you’ve found us. This community is for you!! We’d love to put you in touch with A.R.
Please reach out to us anytime, and know that we are praying for you.
The Springs in the Desert Team
I want to share this for anyone out there who is struggling with infertility or not bearing a child, such as the author of this post. Child-rearing is incredibly hard. Recently, my husband and I are seeking God’s will for a Josephite marriage, most likely intermittently, according to God’s guidance. The reason for this is that we are finally understanding the concept that every conyugal act should be open to life, and the fact is that we are simply not open to more life at this time. We are terrified of it. We are currently raising our 3 children ages 9, 5, and 1, and our first child was taken to Heaven when I was eight months pregnant. Children are beautiful, but it isn’t all joy and happiness. The amount of time and energy and suffering it takes to raise children is beyond our wildest dreams. This is exacerbated by the fact that we have a small family support system. My father lives with us and help us immensely, and we homeschool. But apart from my father’s help, we have no other real family support, since my mother and my husband’s parents have all passed away. I am an only child and my husband’s sibling are not a big part of our lives.
My message to couples that do not have biological children is to please, trust God. If you are not called to have children, maybe God is calling you to other amazing pursuits that could be as simple as prayer, reading the Bible, devotions, worship, and ministering to the lonely. Maybe you even have people in your family or church who are comepletely overwhelmed with the children they have, and they need a hand.
Please just know that raising children is an immense task that very few of us (we who were raised in this modern society) ever learned how to do. And once you become an adult of 20 years or older, your brain has become “calcified” so to speak and it’s so hard to learn a new way of being, that is, how to be a parent. It only gets harder as you get older. It’s so hard for us now that I would willing choose a Josephite marriage so as to be faithful to the Lord by using a method he has provided (abstinence) to ensure that I don’t have another child at this time. Because although I love my children dearly and am so grateful for them, this road is so incredibly, hard. Please, be grateful for the road God has chosen for you, as I endeavor to do, without looking to the left or the right or envying your neighbor. God has everything under control and he knows what’s best for you.
“A Christian may therefore live in concord with his wife, whether
with her providing for a fleshly craving, a thing which the apostle speaks by permission, not by commandment; or providing for the
procreation of children, which may be at present in some degree
praiseworthy; or providing for a brotherly and sisterly fellowship,
without any corporeal connection, having his wife as though he had
her not, as is most excellent and sublime in the marriage of
Christians: yet so that in her he hates the name of temporal
relationship, and loves the hope of everlasting blessedness.”
St. Augustine
I’ve been married for almost 2 decades with 9 children and we are now just turning 40 and have entered into a Josephite marriage with the blessings of our Priest, due to health reasons for both of us. We have gone 1 year and I won’t sugarcoat that it has been hard in many ways, given that we had nearly 2 decades of being intimate. However, I will say that it is making me fall in love with my Husband and enjoy intimacy in other ways as well. I wish there was more helpful information out there for those of us in this situation. Hope you are still doing well.
Dear readers, I am the author of this article and a friend recently brought this article I wrote back to my attention after it was apparently shared on Reddit! I am encouraged by all of your kind comments and testimonies. It’s been two years since I wrote this, and while my husband and I still carry heavy crosses and challenges with my health, and are currently navigating palliative care, we are incredibly grateful to have each other and for the great blessing that is our Josephite marriage.
I am also encouraged by the testimonies you all have shared. Although a Josephite marriage is specifically one where celibacy is practiced perpetually from the start of the marriage (a marriage that has never been consummated) there are definitely similarities between the following two situations: when a couple begins to abstain later in their consummated marriage, and a couple in a fully spiritual, unconsummated Josephite marriage. Though they aren’t the same, they both encourage couples to seek an intimacy that goes beyond sexual relations and this yields great grace! Though I don’t know all of you wonderful commenters, I am confident that God is blessing your marriages abundantly. Thank you for your beautiful witness to the Sacrament and to God!
Thank you again for taking the time to read this, even two years later. Your prayers for us are very appreciated.
In Christ,
A.M.