I am a practicing Catholic, and I draw on that tradition as I say that a marriage is the union of man and woman before God. Revolutionary as the statement is, it is nevertheless easy to lose sight of the reality in the face of the demands of life. I cannot pretend to scratch the surface of what marriage is, and the more I meditate on what it entails, I find more that could be said, but begin we must. 

First, marriage is between you, your spouse, and God. Two people committing to each other before a higher authority. Witnesses are a legal and ecclesiastical requirement as well, but in the deepest Christian canons, the sacrament is still contracted between two people. St. Paul further informs us of our obligations. Love your wife as Christ loved the Church, and wives submit to your husband. (See Ephesians 5:21-33)  Marriage is a demanding call to action. It requires us to act against our fallen human desires and nature. It calls us to higher things. Paul’s explanation of human relationship reflects the relationship of the divine. Husbands give everything for their wives, wives give everything to their husbands. Jesus gave everything for the Church, dying so that we might have eternal life. He established the Church so that everyone would have that opportunity. 

At the end of the day, marriage is a promise, a promise between two imperfect people to be better every day. For Catholics the vows are already written; love each other in the good and the bad, but the most important part is “until death do us part.” Though there are alternative vows that say “love and honor you all the days of my life,” they mean the same thing. While the mission concludes at death, and our obligations are removed should our spouse die, simply “getting to the end” while remaining faithful is not what the mission is. The objective is not to go die and then you “win” marriage. In a sense the mission is “survive,” but survival is too crass for an institution as mystical as marriage. The mission of marriage is to thrive. To thrive together in the good, in the bad, and seek Heaven.

Secondarily, marriage is a place for the raising of children. For most, children are expected, and the call to be open to life is explicit in our Catholic wedding vows. The first married couple were directly commanded by God to be fruitful and multiply, to fill and subdue the Earth. (See Genesis 1:28) However there are two parts to this aspect of marriage; both the procreation and raising of children. 

Being unable to naturally conceive does not invalidate the marriage. Nor does raising a child require conception. Children do not require blood relation to feel love, and in much the same way as two strangers become one in marriage, the gift of adoption can be a beautiful call for some couples. Beyond adoption, though, there are many other avenues for being fruitful in the Christian context. We are all called  to spread the Gospel. In my own marriage, we have taught faith formation classes, shared the Faith with our godchildren, and we love our friend’s children. Children are not, and never were the core of marriage. They are literally born from it. It is the husband and wife in union that sometimes brings children into the picture. In the same way the foundation comes first, there must be a stable environment in which to bring forth children, whether they are biological, adopted, or spiritual. 

 Dealing with infertility has forced me to contemplate what is required of me as a husband, in the same way I have had to grapple with what it will mean to be a father, in my uniquely challenging situation. I am not changing diapers, but how am I providing for my spouse spiritually? Am I calling us to higher things? Am I giving completely of myself, mind, body, and soul? My obligation is to my wife. End of story. Nothing comes before her, and I must die for her as Christ did. That is the promise I made before God and man, a promise I intend to keep. In the most real sense, the mission of marriage is the other, to evangelize them and guide them to Heaven. In my teenage years, I was struck one day by the parable of the treasure in the field. It is ostensibly about salvation, but I found deeper meaning in seeking a spouse, and living out the marriage vows.  

In sum, marriage is to live in service to another, to give completely. 

Conner O’Brien lives in Michigan with his wife, Shelby, whom he met while studying at Ave Maria School of Law. They have one adorable cat named Daisy and have been navigating infertility since getting married in May 2022.