For couples carrying the heavy cross of infertility, one of the most difficult conversations can be explaining why you’ve chosen not to pursue in vitro fertilization (IVF). Well-meaning friends, family, and doctors may offer IVF as a solution to infertility. If you’re Catholic, the moral teaching is clear: the Church does not permit IVF because it separates procreation from the marital embrace and often leads to the destruction of embryos. But when asked why you won’t “just try IVF,” it can be hard to know what to say, especially if you don’t want the conversation to turn into a debate about religion or highly nuanced bioethics. Even without considering faith, the practical realities of IVF are sobering. Deciding against IVF can be a fully reasonable decision even from a secular standpoint.

IVF is Costly

The cost of IVF cannot be taken lightly. In the United States, the average cost of a single IVF cycle (including medications, monitoring, retrieval, embryo transfer, etc.) is in the range of $20,000 – $25,000. This number is just a baseline; that price can be impacted by a number of factors, such as genetic testing, donor eggs or sperm, additional procedures, or embryo storage. However, this range serves as a good starting place to see just how much of a financial burden it can be. There is also no guarantee of success with these costs. 

IVF often requires more than one cycle

The price quoted above is for a single cycle of IVF. Many couples (because of age, fertility issues, and other factors) require more than one cycle to achieve a live birth, meaning total costs can often escalate to $50,000 or more in many cases. Personally, I use this fact to emphasize the predatory nature of the IVF business. Couples can easily wipe out their savings on a process that may fail them in the end. Some couples spend years and tens of thousands of dollars without ever bringing home a child. Seen this way, IVF begins to look less like a medical solution and more like a high-risk gamble.

IVF success rates are not what many expect

IVF is often portrayed as a near-guaranteed path to parenthood. The reality is far less certain. At best, for younger women, the success rate for IVF is like a flip of a coin, with modest numbers around 50% for chance of live birth per embryo transfer for women under 35. That rate continues to steadily decline with age, at a time when women may be more inclined to pursue IVF and other Artificial Reproductive Technologies (ARTs). It’s important for women to understand that artificial reproductive technologies do not guarantee parenthood, and to perpetuate that idea is misleading.  

The toll on the mind can be agonizing

Infertility already weighs heavily on couples. Adding IVF can multiply that burden. Mentally, IVF exposes already vulnerable women and couples to cycles of hope, waiting, disappointment, and grief. Failed cycles, miscarriages, or the inability to produce viable embryos can deepen wounds and strain marriages. Studies confirm that women undergoing IVF experience elevated rates of anxiety and depression, often exacerbated by the financial stress of treatment. Foregoing IVF and finding ways to surrender this pain of infertility to God can help couples discover greater peace in preserving intimacy and emotional health.

The toll on the body can be exorbitant

IVF is not just emotionally taxing; it’s physically demanding. IVF is a serious medical process, which places a toll on the body. Injections, hormone medications, and bodily changes are all part of the package. The unpredictable nature and demands of IVF treatment can be heavily disruptive. Even if IVF is “successful,” and results in pregnancy, many risks remain. Women may experience high rates of multiple pregnancy, which increase the risk of preterm labor, low birth weight, and maternal complications such as gestational diabetes or preeclampsia. While IVF may also help older women get pregnant, risks are associated with advanced maternal ages as well. Also, it’s important to note that if you experience infertility, factors (such as endometriosis) which contributed to your infertility in the first place may also increase your risk of miscarriage in IVF as well. Choosing not to subject your body to intense risks can be a way of honoring your body and health.

The surplus of frozen embryos is a massive issue

If we, as Catholics, believe life begins at conception and not implantation, the embryos created for IVF are human lives, made in the image and likeness of God. I, then, urge you to consider what it means to have unused, frozen embryos. In the United States alone, there is a surplus of over 1 million frozen embryos. What happens if you cannot implant all of the embryos you create through IVF? It costs additional money to store frozen embryos, especially indefinitely. The practical problems are compounded by mistakes –  it’s not unheard of for embryos to be lost, accidentally swapped, or destroyed by mistake. From any ethical perspective — religious or not — this raises serious concerns about the dignity and safety of human life.

When you consider the high cost, uncertain success, emotional toll, physical risks, and ethical challenges, it becomes clear that refusing IVF is not simply a matter of religious belief. It can also be a wise, self-protective, and loving decision from a secular standpoint; one which enables you to protect your health, marriage, finances, and conscience. 

Refusing IVF does not mean giving up hope. It means choosing hope of another kind — hope rooted in trust in God, openness to His Will, and confidence that our worth is not measured by our fertility.

Shelby O’Brien lives in Maryland with her husband, Conner, who she met while studying at Ave Maria School of Law. Shelby is an attorney with a background in social work and leads a women’s group at her local church. In her free time, you can find her totally captivated by a good book. Shelby and her husband have two adorable cats (named Daisy and Monty) and have been navigating infertility since getting married in May 2022. Shelby loves writing for Springs in the Desert alongside her sister, Amy!