One of the hardest things about infertility is that it leaves us with an “identity wound” of sorts. Often, we may doubt if we’re “good” enough to be parents. Or we wonder if our marriage is good since it’s not fruitful in the traditional way. This doubt hurts. Sometimes, to compensate for not being able to fulfill the calling of parenthood, we turn to professional work to give us a sense of worth and identity. 

Now, certainly work is a good thing. It can be an excellent way for us to exercise our talents, serve others, and glorify God. There’s no question that a career can give a sense of direction and purpose. But trying to use our professional work to heal the wounds left by infertility is a recipe for frustration and discouragement. 

This is certainly a temptation that I’ve struggled with during my infertility journey. For a while, I decided that if I wasn’t going to be a mom, I needed to have a productive career to make up for it. I put an immense amount of pressure on myself to achieve great things professionally, and it made me anxious and miserable. 

Thanks to the help of my husband and a therapist, I am beginning to let go of this mindset. And I wanted to share with you some truths I’ve been reminded of along the way. 

Your worth does not come from what you produce or accomplish. A dear friend of mine was once going through a very tough season of life. She’d lost her job, her boyfriend had dumped her, and she wasn’t sure how to move forward. In the midst of it all, she was tempted to see herself as worthless. But then she came to a realization: God wasn’t asking her to prove herself. He was asking her to let Him love her, even in her poverty. The same goes for us. In this season when we are experiencing the poverty of not having children, we don’t need to prove our worth in other ways. Our goodness does not come from how many kids we have or how high we climb the career ladder. Our worth rests in our Heavenly Father, who loves us dearly as His own children. Didn’t Jesus say that each of us is worth more than many sparrows? (cf. Matthew 10:31) He put no conditions on that. 

Don’t underestimate the work that goes into your marriage. In my anxiety for career success, I sometimes forgot that my first and foremost calling — my most important one — was to love my husband! The simple building blocks of marriage — listening to your spouse talk about their day, cooking dinner for them, praying with them — are much more important than your professional achievements. Your job title may come and go, but your identity as husband or wife lasts forever. 

It’s okay if your job doesn’t feel like your calling. There are people in life who see their professional job as a profound lifelong vocation. That is a beautiful gift — but if that’s not you, don’t be discouraged. Maybe, like me, you have gone through a series of job pivots. Maybe you’re still trying to find your footing. God doesn’t look down on you for that. He simply asks each of us to give Him our best work in whatever we do. We can rest assured that our jobs — no matter how simple or boring they may seem — can serve as a path to holiness when we offer our efforts to the Lord. Even if your job doesn’t feel particularly fulfilling, that doesn’t mean God doesn’t have a plan for you or that you have no gifts to offer. Which brings me to my next point . . . 

Work is more than your 9-to-5 job. Many times, we think of work very narrowly—as in, the occupation we engage in to make a living. But consider all the other types of really important work that you do and probably forget about. You do laundry, clean the house, help someone move, serve at your parish, babysit for a friend, make a meal for a family going through a hard time. Don’t discount the beauty and impact of this “unpaid work.” God sees it and He is so pleased when you use your unique gifts and talents out of love. The smallest acts of charity can count for much more than the most impressive professional achievement. 

Everything in this life is a gift. That’s true of children, and it’s true of work. We should never feel pressured or try to use these things to prove our goodness to ourselves, others, or God. 

As we journey through this season of Lent, I pray that you will be able to let go of any lies the Enemy might tell you about how your worth is tied to your work. I hope that instead of defining yourself by the work you do, you can find the grace to define yourself by your identity as a beloved child of God. I hope that this Lent, you receive the grace to simply let God love you.  

Written by an anonymous Springs in the Desert Author.