Being a part of a community while struggling with infertility comes with a mental burden. The devil is always placing thoughts in your head like “Everyone at your church thinks you’re choosing to be childless,” or “You’re a failure at your vocation for not having children.” I’d like to challenge that thought process and steer your inner voice in a different direction. Instead of feeling like a failure, consider that you could be a role model for other couples around you. I’ll explain how – starting with some personal experience of counter-examples. 

When my wife and I were dating, we met a couple who were highly involved in the Church. They did community service. They were mentors and catechists. They would invite young adults, seminarians, nuns, and priests to their house on feast days to practice liturgical living. In short, they did everything aspiring young Catholics hope to do. My wife and I talked about how we were going to be like them when we were married. But then they got divorced. It sent shockwaves through our church community, and even years later, my wife and I are still troubled by what happened. They appeared “perfect,” a model couple, and yet it all fell apart.

After getting married, my wife and I moved to a new church and there we met a new couple. Again, they were very aspirational for us: volunteering at the Church, talking about their Faith, hosting small groups at their home, combining food and prayer for liturgical living. We quickly became close friends and joined them in these activities. And then just a year ago they told us they were filing for divorce. Another tough lesson in “Trust in the Lord, not man” (Psalm 118:8), but again it really hurt us to see this happen to a couple who we felt represented our Faith so well, and who we were trying to emulate.

Why am I bringing these disheartening examples to a conversation about encouragement in the face of the devil’s lies? The Holy Spirit has worked these experiences for the good in our lives (cf Romans 8:28). First, our aspirations have been fulfilled: we are a couple who volunteers at our church and invites people into our home to pray together and to celebrate feasts on the liturgical calendar. Second, I have come to the realization that just as we looked to these previously mentioned couples as role models, there are now people who similarly look to us. Unlike the tragedies that befell our own role models, we still have the opportunity to fully live out the vocation of marriage for one another and for those around us who look to us for inspiration.

In talking of being inspirational or a role model, it’s important to qualify that this is not coming from a place of pride, but of vocational fulfillment. Marriage is one of seven sacraments given to the Church by God. Sacraments represent “what was visible in our Savior passed over into his mysteries” (CCC 1115). We manifest Christ visibly when we live out our vocation of marriage. “The purpose of the sacraments is to sanctify men, to build up the Body of Christ and, finally, to give worship to God. Because they are signs they also instruct.” (CCC 1123) Therefore, when living out your vocation, you are in a God-given role of instructing – setting an example. And about what are we instructing?

The Bible is replete with imagery about the sacramentality of marriage, but the most relevant here is how Jesus is described as the Bridegroom and the Church as His bride. The love my wife and I share with each other is meant to perfectly embody the love Jesus has for His Church. In light of this, it becomes apparent that reducing the vocation of marriage to “having kids” is selling short the role Christ has given us.

A married couple is meant to show love – the kind of unbreakable love God has for us. A married couple is meant to bring the fruits of joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control to each other and to the world. Your vocation calls you to do all these things – be all these things – while suffering through infertility. From our uniquely Christian perspective, we have an opportunity to truly understand that all forms of suffering can draw us closer to Christ and bear the above-mentioned fruits. And when we bear these fruits, we sacramentally become that light which darkness cannot extinguish.

So, the next time you’re at Mass and feel the devil convincing you that everyone is judging you, reframe it through the lens of the Holy Spirit: there are people looking at you and hoping to emulate the love you have for your spouse and for God, the way my wife and I looked to our friends. They could be singles, newlyweds, couples who have been married for 10 years – or even 50 years! If you are letting Christ shine through your vocation, you are bearing abundant fruit. Your witness makes you the role model other couples seek for inspiration.

This post was written by an anonymous Springs in the Desert author.