Often, periods of difficulty are compared to the times when biblical figures had to exile themselves to the desert for a period of  time. Jesus’ forty days (Matthew 4:1-11) or even Moses’ forty years (Joshua 5:6) in the desert are often cited as a way to explain away trials in life, and are sometimes even romanticized. Unfortunately, this approach to suffering does not always resonate with people who are experiencing something they will carry with them their whole lives. Just like the phrase “offer it up,” comparisons such as the above can come off as dismissive or uncaring, even with the best intentions. So, what should we say to those carrying a lifelong cross, and how else can we support them?

First, we must remember that the lives of couples who experience childlessness, chronic illness, or any other life-long trial accompanied by life-long feelings of grief. This grief takes different forms, but it is its own trial that is just as invisible. We are specifically  grieving what once existed – good health and community – and what has never, and will never exist – a family with children. This type of grief is not typically addressed within the Church and support ministries, so it can be difficult to find support for this type of grief. What has helped us the most is to turn our eyes and hearts toward the future – not our earthly future, but our Heavenly future. It is a consolation to remember that Jesus promises us that, no matter how long our trials are in this life (yes, even if they last our entire lives!), there will be a better life waiting for us (Revelation 21:4). For those of us surrounded by others who may not understand how multifaceted grief can be, this is the only consolation we have, but what a consolation it is! Finding hope in our grief transforms our helplessness into empowerment and provides us with consolation. Jesus uses this hope as a means to help us (1 Peter 1:6-7) and others (2 Corinthians 1:4) through this life and into the next.

The most impactful thing we can do for someone dealing with grief is to show up for them. We personally have very few friends because we are mostly homebound and no longer able to serve the Church; however, these friends have shown up for us in amazing ways and we are incredibly grateful for their Christlike and loving presence in our lives. When they are unable to be with us physically they have kept our spirits stable by pointing us toward Heaven and reminding us about the better life that is to come – a life with Christ in Heaven that will redeem every single trial we experience on earth. They have helped us find hope in the midst of our grief, a powerful blessing that keeps our hearts attuned to God’s love.

While our “time in the desert” may not be brief, and childlessness and chronic illness will be a cross we will continue to bear for the rest of our lives, we can be consoled with the knowledge that Jesus knows our suffering and will not forget about us. He has our salvation in mind and uses our suffering in this life for that purpose and to help lead other souls to Him. We can also be consoled by the fact that we were not made for this earth and that the end of our earthly life is not our final destination. Rather, it is the start of a beautiful new journey with Christ in Heaven if only we embrace our cross without despairing and strive to do His will. 

The Authors are in their fourth year of marriage and have been faithfully embracing their call to a Josephite vocation since their wedding day. They enjoy doing morning prayers together, listening to audiobooks, watching movies, and spending time in nature.