When a couple  walking through a painful season of infertility is met with support along the way from friends, family, support groups, and their parish community it can be life-changing. Unfortunately, however,  when the season of infertility is elevated to a lifetime of permanent childlessness, or a spouse is diagnosed with a chronic illness, support often becomes incredibly slim or even non-existent. Permanent childlessness (that involves both the inability to bear or adopt children) can be a multifaceted experience that involves several layers of trauma – ranging from medical trauma,  trauma caused by being judged and abandoned by the Church, and of course the trauma of the unfulfilled desire for children that some may face. How are some ways we can take care of our mental (and spiritual) health when the support around us is slim or non-existent, and our lives seem radically different than those around us?

Note: this post is a part of Mental Health Awareness Month and is written from my perspective of having to live in isolation due to a chronic and progressive illness. Please adapt these suggestions to best meet your needs!

  • Lean into your friendship with Jesus and the saints. My husband and I lost the support of many of our friends and our entire parish community when I got sick. This left us walking through what seems to be a lifetime of loneliness. However, it also has provided us with the opportunity to form  deeper, more intimate relationships with God and the saints. It was in my bedridden state where I discovered St. Lydwine of Schiedam, an unmarried, bedbound saint who spent the majority of her life in pain and suffering due to an injury and later, chronic illness. She was unheard of to me before and I began to develop a friendship with her over the course of several months. Although losing our community continues to be one of the heaviest crosses we bear to this day, becoming more intentional about befriending God and finding communion among the saints has been a blessing for our marriage and our mental and spiritual health.
  • Pray with and for your spouse for strength to endure the cross. My husband and I both go through different seasons with our prayers. Sometimes, prayer comes naturally to us and it feels “easy” to lift up our intentions to the Lord and give Him praise. Other times, it feels incredibly difficult and even forced. No matter how we are feeling, we try our best to engage in a daily practice of prayer, praying with each other and for each other – not only for healing, but also for strength of mind and spirit and grace to endure our cross.
  • Seek out mental health resources and other support resources where appropriate, like therapy and support groups. Permanent childlessness is a heavy cross to carry, not only because of the absence of children, but also because of the judgment and criticism that often follows the childless couple. Although there are not many resources or avenues of support for those who are carrying this specific cross, seeking out resources such as therapy, or general support groups can help alleviate some of the burden of grief and isolation.
  • Set boundaries with social media. As someone who lives mostly in isolation, social media quickly became my “go-to” way of connecting with others – and just as quickly became the downfall of my mental and spiritual health – to the point of deleting my social media accounts in order to salvage and preserve my mental and spiritual health. Seeing photos of others at church, participating in parish life, along with pregnancy photos, photos of young families, and content from Catholic influencers became triggering to me. Deleting my social media was essential for my mental health and gave me more space and time to engage in genuine relationships and cultivate a deeper interior life. It also allowed me to discover more hobbies (like knitting and writing!) that I would not have discovered otherwise. Boundaries with social media look different for everybody; for some, just limited usage is good enough, for others, a full deletion is necessary. Regardless, limiting time on social media is never a bad idea.
  • Spend time in nature. I love experiencing God in nature. I love hearing Him speak to me through the wind and the rustling of the trees. I love witnessing His incredible handiwork through the grandeur of the mountains. I love seeing His artwork through the flowers and blooms. It is well known that nature has many significant mental health benefits as well, and spending time in nature whenever I am able  has been a game-changer when caring for my mental health.
  • Snuggle up with a pet or stuffed animal. Though we do not have the capacity to care for pets, we absolutely love giving our stuffed animals long hugs and it has helped us alleviate the pain of grief and permanent childlessness. 

Caring for our mental health can be challenging when dealing with the multifaceted nature of infertility generally, and in the case of permanent childlessness specifically. Nevertheless, caring for our mental health is a gift we can give ourselves and a vessel of God’s grace that can help make the cross even just a little more bearable. 

A.M. is a 20-something who is entering her fifth year of marriage to her husband. They have been called to a Josephite marriage. After becoming ill during her engagement season, and suffering a stroke in her first year of marriage, she was diagnosed with a rare genetic condition and writes from the perspective of being permanently childless and having a chronic and progressive illness. Besides writing, she enjoys reading, crafting, and spending time with her husband.