When Sex Is Difficult 

All of us remember the anticipation we had on our wedding night — the excitement, the nerves. One of the beautiful things about marital intimacy is that it is not simply a way to produce children or experience pleasure. In God’s design, sex is an integral part of the marriage sacrament, and a way to cement the union between husband and wife. A healthy, happy sex life is crucial to a happy marital union. 

The Catechism of the Catholic Church puts it this way: “The acts in marriage by which the intimate and chaste union of the spouses takes place are noble and honorable; the truly human performance of these acts fosters the self-giving they signify and enriches the spouses in joy and gratitude.” (CCC, 2362)

It’s not all a bed of roses 

But like every other good thing in this life, the devil has a way of twisting even the most beautiful things and making them a source of strife. While sex is beautiful and an important part of marriage, it’s not always easy. And infertility tends to take a toll on marital intimacy. 

If you’ve been through infertility or miscarriage, you can probably relate. When you first set out to grow your family, sex was especially exciting. Each time you come together, there’s a chance to create new life! You might feel in awe of having the procreative power. Sex seems extra special with the possibility of a child just around the corner.  

But then, when the negative pregnancy tests, the losses, and the disappointment (and even trauma) start to set in, everything changes. Sex feels less like a joyful, unitive encounter and more like a chore or a burden. 

That was certainly the case for my husband and me. The further we traveled on our path of infertility, the less joy and gratitude I felt when we came together. Sex became all about getting the timing just right. It was immensely stressful. 

Not only that, but sex became a reminder of the simple thing that we couldn’t accomplish, that every other married couple seemed to be able to do: make a baby. It was a reminder of what we didn’t have. Rather than being life-giving, it crushed me. 

For a while, I lost all desire for it. I didn’t want to admit the truth: sex was exhausting me. If this sounds familiar to you, you aren’t alone or broken. 

This can be a tough obstacle to navigate. But, as my husband and I are learning, there are ways to get through it. Here are some things we’ve learned along the way: 

Communicate, communicate, communicate 

Talking about sex is hard for many couples. It can be especially difficult for a woman to tell her husband that sex is not enjoyable for her. I think a lot of us are worried that our husbands will take this as a personal rejection. But it doesn’t have to be. I encourage you to step past these fears and be honest and vulnerable with your spouse. Sit down and share honestly why sex might be difficult right now. These types of conversations are a great way to deepen your unity as a couple.  

It’s okay to take a break 

Pushing yourself through sex when you are emotionally, mentally, or physically drained is not healthy. It’s okay to take some time “off.” I’ve found that taking a break from trying during my fertile period is especially helpful. Taking time away from sex is not “giving up.” It’s giving your mind and body time to reset and heal. After all, being stressed or upset while having intercourse is not conducive to enjoyable sex or conception. 

Focus on your spouse’s love languages

Marital intimacy has so many aspects, not just intercourse. If you need to scale back on sex, you can find other ways to enrich and deepen your intimacy:  

  • Make dinner together and converse, no phones allowed
  • Take a long walk or a hike outdoors together 
  • Work on a house project together 
  • Spend time talking about your hopes, goals, and dreams over the next couple of years — both for your marriage and for each of you individually 
  • Focus on physical affection that’s not sexual  — holding hands, cuddling on the couch, an unexpected kiss after a long day at work 
  • Surprise your spouse with a little gift if that’s their love language 
  • Proactively meet a need or do a chore without your spouse having to ask you 

Seek out resources 

There are some wonderful resources out there for couples who are struggling with their love life. I highly recommend checking out Dr. Sarah Bartel and Ellen Holloway (who hosts the podcast Charting Toward Intimacy), both of whom offer wonderful resources on improving this aspect of your marriage — all from a faithful Catholic perspective.  

A few Springs in the Desert Podcast episodes touch on this subject as well. You may want to check out The Intimacy Episode with Clare Kane, and Reapproaching Intimacy after Medical Trauma.

Your love life is worth tending 

Sex is a crucial part of marital unity. Tend to it like you would tend to a garden — slowly but surely, with patience. Just like a garden, there will be fallow seasons and fruitful seasons. If you are struggling with intimacy in a season of infertility, I am here to assure you, you are not alone. You are not broken. And this will not last forever. 

I want to leave you with a quote from St. John Chrysostom that my husband and I love. It is his advice to young husbands on what they should say to their wives. It captures so wonderfully the kind of unity that we are aiming for in every aspect of our marriage: 

“I have taken you in my arms, and I love you, and I prefer you to my life itself. For the present life is nothing, and my most ardent dream is to spend it with you in such a way that we may be assured of not being separated in the life reserved for us…. I place your love above all things, and nothing would be more bitter or painful to me than to be of a different mind than you.” (Homily 20 on Ephesians)

May all of us have this kind of love and unity in our marriages, no matter the season we’re in. 

-Written by an anonymous Springs in the Desert Contributor.